Week 3

Week 3

Week 2

Week 2

Entry #3

"Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe.  But he's good.  He's the king, I tell you."

Mr. Beaver speaking of Aslan in chapter 8 of C.S. Lewis' "The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe".

My initial comment to Joy about the pregnancy was telling of my heart.   I have known tragedy.  The loss of my sister when I was 18 has been the most humbling sting of death that I have personally known.  But the death of friends, family members and mentors has been a theme woven into the fabric of my 28 years of life.  This strand of reality has dealt a poisonous sting that continues to fester long after tangible mourning was supposed to be over.

I would like to say the moment I saw my beautiful wife holding a home pregnancy test declaring that we were pregnant brought unequivocal joy to my heart.  It didn't.  I also wish that I could claim that my skepticism was a confidence and surrender to the Lord's will.  It wasn't.  I will always celebrate the gift of Padraig, but that moment proved to be the penhole that allowed a harsh light to glare down on my bitter heart.

As I had to sit with my response I have come to realize that somewhere in the past decade I decided that I wasn't going to get hurt anymore.  I was willing to be sad, depressed, angry but never was I going to enter into that moment of pain where darkness overcomes you and when the guttural cries from within are met by the devastating reality that there are no tears big enough and no sobs violent enough to express much less ease the pain.

Only in retrospect can I understand how this slow strangling of my soul had affected the entirety of my life.  I could see beauty, but only as a dim reflection.  I could know love, but only from a threshold that I was not willing to walk through.  My dearest attitudes and emotions were cynicism, bitterness and rage.  My relationship with Joy, my closest friend, was only a shell of what God intended it to be.  I was hurting and lonely.

Our first visit to the doctor forced me upon threshold of reality and introspection.  We heard the heart beat and saw the arm buds that were to form the 6lb 12 oz boy to be named Padraig. I had a choice to make and it is one that I was going to push away for months.  But I truly believe that it was at the moment that I started to hear the Divine Whisper, "Do you trust me? Do you believe that I am both sovereign and good?"

DAY 6

Day 6

DAY 5

Day 5

Entry #2

Last fall we visited Ireland, one of Joy's final wishes before we started "trying" to have children. She wanted a European experience before we added travel companions. (In a future entry we will give a back story to why Ireland?) 

We returned home in October, then it passed on to November, December and by January we started wondering back to our Portland moment. What if we aren't able to have children?

At the same time as we were asking that question to God Joy went on a retreat with high school students where the speaker shared he and his spouse were not able to conceive. It was their choice not to adopt, but none-the-less they were wounded. He also spoke to the pain that rises up with each mother's day as the church celebrates something as beautiful as motherhood, but ignorantly overlooks those who ache at their inability to know the miracle of childbirth firsthand.

As a result of that conversation Joy and I started to pray that our hearts would be changed to one of sympathy and compassion for the childless. We accepted the possibility that we would only be able to adopt, an endeavor we still look forward to someday, if we were going to have children of our own. Surrender has been and always will be a huge step in our personal lives.  Ten months ago we came to peace with the truth that God's plan is more perfect than our own no matter how unexpected or confusing. As I remembered stories like that of Sarah waiting to have Isaac, Hannah praying for Samuel, and a number of other stories past and present I came to peace with the fact that God meets desires to heal those with broken hearts.

A biblical truism more than an Orfism is that we are blessed to commune with those who are poor in spirit.

A month later Joy took a pregnancy test. It came back positive. As Joy look at me with tears in her eyes I made a classically insensitive reply, "I am just a bit skeptical."

Got Milk?

These are the early moments of Padraig's life. He had spent time with mom, fed, and then was presented with this scam of a milk dispenser. Within propriety and reason send us a quote.

DAY 4 Slide Show

From Day 4

Click on the picture and you should be redirected to todays slideshow.

Family Time!

Today is officially Padraig's 5th day breathing!  Last night he blessed his mom by feeding every 3-4 hours which allowed her to get some much needed sleep.  That is why we are out here on the couch waiting for mom to wake up.

Nap Time!!!

Mom needed a nap because she has only gotten a few hours of sleep over the past four nights.  So, Padraig and I (dad) came out on the couch hoping to survive for an hour on about half a feeding.  He was  little bit fussy until we gave Oma a call and she sang him a few lullabies.  As you can see "little man" became peaceful and we had a great time letting mom get some sanity rest.

Entry #1

Whisper of the Divine: 

A history of the path to Padraig

It was about 4 years ago that Joy and I were driving home to our townhouse in Multnomah's married student housing in Northeast Portland. The sun was warm on our faces as we drove over highway 84.  I looked at Joy and as I often do shared my internal pondering without insight to the path that brought me to my point.  I am still not sure if I can provide a path to this particular end.  But I noted, "I don't think we will be able to have children of our own."

Joy looked at me and responded, "I was thinking that same thing this weekend."

The curious element in this exchange rests in the fact that neither of us were prepared for or considering the prospect of having children in the near future.  We were able to celebrate the thoughts of adoption and the promise of surrendering control over the unknown.  Until a year ago children were a distant future and an unknown possibility.  Joy and I both remember our conversation on that sunny Portland afternoon and view it as the beginning of our hearts preparation for Padraig.

Padraig Gibson Orf

The newest blessing to our lives was born at 3:16 am on October 4, 2008.  He was 19 3/4" and 6 lbs. 12oz.  Hair (Present, but sure to change)  His Eyes; bright and beautiful and we should know because he hasn't taken much time to close them in the 2 hours that he has been breathing.

and Padraig was born!